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Researchers at one school noticed that teachers praised good work and blamed bad behavior. As an experiment, teachers were trained to praise both good work and good behavior — and to ignore bad behavior. Soon the bad behavior largely vanished.

At home, too, praise is more effective than blame, creating upward spirals. The 80/20 Way exalts praise — praise is easy and the return over the lifetime of the child is immense. Praise is to children’s development as water is to plants: the tiniest encouragement leads to massive flowering. A capable, well-intentioned child will have a terrific positive impact on other people throughout life. A little praise for a child today has enormous lasting benefits.

Try counting the number of times you and your spouse say “yes” or “no” to your children. Make a conscious effort to say “yes” more and “no” less. Count again a week later. See the difference it makes.

Punishment works, but only when the limits of acceptable behavior are completely clear, so the child knows what he or she is being punished for. Withdrawing privileges for a time is safe and effective. It must always be clear that the punishment is for the action and isn’t a reflection on the child’s character. Whatever the child has done, never suspend warmth, affection, or love.

Some very good friends learnt this the hard way. They have two boys, now in their late teens, both intelligent and charming. Over the years, however, they have had major problems with Daniel, the younger child.

When he was 11, Daniel stole some money and successfully — for a time — deflected the blame onto an innocent schoolmate. Daniel’s mother, feeling that radical action was necessary, withdrew her affection from Daniel — for a month, she refused to talk to him or have anything to do with him.

Her action proved disastrous. When she realized her mistake, she tried to make up for it by very close love, attention, and constructive action over the next five years. But Daniel, and therefore the whole family, continued to have significant problems, partly caused by the withdrawal of love at that very difficult time.

Punishment is not the only, nor usually the best, way of imposing discipline. When faced with a crying, pouting, or demanding child, it’s tempting to punish or give way to the kid’s demands for the sake of peace. Instead, however, the child can be told that whining won’t work, but that a “smiley face” might do the trick. If from the age of four you reward smiley faces more than screams and pouts, guess what your child will tend to go for?